REFLECTION AND COMMITMENT BLOG 5

2/23/2015

Habit #5—Seek first to understand

Not Active Listening by Roxanne Pompilio on GoAnimate

According to Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, the majority of people do not listen with the intent to understand but rather with the intent to reply. This is definitely demonstrated in the above GoAnimate video. So what does it mean to really listen, to listen empathetically? And how does one make it a habit? Empathetic listening is not just about agreeing with the other person, but showing you understand. It is a skill that takes tremendous energy and emotional strength. You might do this by rephrasing, reflecting on feelings or on the emotions behind what the person is saying, or combine these. If others feel you are really listening, their perception about you will change and they will want to collaborate with you.

Commitment to Habit # 5—Seek First to Understand, then to be understood (the habit of listening)

Listening is not something I do well, and although I have tried to improve this skill, I have not been successful. I constantly find myself interrupting, relating what the other person is saying to my own experiences, or trying to offer advice. I've tried rephrasing the content, but people who know me well think there is something wrong. I'm not sure why I'm not a good listener. Maybe because I was an only child. Anyway, I think if I focus on the emotions that lie behind what is being told to me and reflect on the meaning or feeling, listening might come more nature.
Do:

Reflect Feeling
Reflect Meaning
Use Empathetic starters

The following TED Talk by Julian Treasure talks about five ways to listen better. Treasure emphasizes that listening is our access to understanding and that conscious listening creates understanding. I thought I would try some of his strategies to redevelop my listening skills. These include three minutes a day of silence, trying to out specific sounds in the noise to improve the quality of my listening, savoring mundane sounds, trying out listening positions, most important, his RASA acronym (receive, appreciate, summarize, and ask questions). I like the strategy of asking questions. It might work for me.

How I plan to teach habit #5 to others:

1. Ask my AP World History students what they think it means to really listen to someone?
2. When was the last time they did this?
3. Teach the steps of empathetic listening.
4. Have them check how they react to people during their next ten encounters. Are they responding too quickly, are they being judgement, giving advice without being asked, interrupting, or are they really listening? Assess where they are at.
5. Have students practice with three to five other people they encounter and report back on their progress.

References:
Covey, Stephen (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Person Change.

3 Comments

Michelle

2/23/2015 01:33:41 pm

Roxanne - I loved your post because I think so many people can relate to it. I am guilty of the same thing. & I loved when you wrote that when you do try to practice reflective listening, people who know you think there is something wrong ;) That made me laugh right out loud because I have had the same experience. Like you, I do strive to work on that skill. I have the best of intentions & want to be a good listener. I've noticed that when I have the most difficult time listening is when I am really passionate about something. I find it difficult to hold back. So I appreciate your perspective, & I think you have a great approach planned with your students.

Bill

2/26/2015 06:17:40 am

Roxanne,
Michelle said it best. It seems that we all struggle with this skill. It is not because we are "bad", just because we want to help and we want to share and it always seems that there is such limited time for us to have conversations. This is one of the reasons that i like online discussions. There is time to read, comprehend and think about our answers before we reply. Just like I just did. LOL

Raquel

2/26/2015 02:59:38 pm

Your fist video left me hanging. I was waiting for her to say, "I shouldn't have to tell you". LOL
People think there is something wrong with you because normal people don't talk like that. "I heard you say that you are upset that your dog died. You are sad about this." It sounds abnormal to reflect back. I get it, it is helpful to understanding the other person, or at least making them feel understood but it isn't easy.
The TED talker says that we discount sounds that remain the same. This explains why so many wives say that their husbands "ignore" them or don't hear them.
We are loosing our ability to listen to the subtle, the quiet and the understated. WOW!! This is so true. I see it in my son. He has difficulty hearing me when I turn off the TV and bring my voice down. He says I am speaking so low that he cannot focus on my voice.
This video is great. So powerful.

Module 1—Leadership Habits (CAPE 3)